Explosive Feelings

今次我想我要用中文才能explicitly express到我內心就要爆發出來的feelings.

我亦希望我只需要講一次。

很多人都知道我是在頌恩旋律﹝下GM﹞裡事奉。GM是一個under王者文化的基督教音樂事工，原於溫哥華。因為經常要穿梭全球去事奉，久而久之便成立了很多GM分隊，而我就是於GM Calgary出身的。由GM Calgary到GM Vancouver，都有差不多三年的時間。在Calgary時，大家都事奉得很開心，因為都是一班相識多年的主內弟兄姊妹，彼此之間的音樂默契很強，而且大家都勇於嘗試﹝well，跟事工剛剛開始這個因素都有關係﹞。來到Vancouver，本來抱住很多期待─期待可以終於跟我很欣賞的GM Vancouver合作；期待可以跟他們交流一下音樂，從而擦出新的火花。

初到貴境，我都有參與不少：做了兩次歌劇─一次在Calgary；一次在Seattle，亦在Seattle做了一場concert。但之後，可能因為時間不合，我又不可能get involved in全部事工，再加上自己又住得遠，我足足有一年沒有在GM事奉。有一段時間，我對GM事工感到很無奈，甚至有點想退出，因為第一整隊team都頗work-oriented，一埋位就是練歌，spiritually沒有太多交通 (which is something I truly emphasize when I work in a praise team). 第二，很多時收到call話要get involved in some ministries，但都是聞樓梯響，最後都參與不到。第三，曾經有位在Calgary的姊妹覆述他們的一番話，which is 他們都不知可以放我在那裡，因為他們已有一班core member做慣了。﹝我都認同，因為他們的製作很多都差不多﹞但那位姊妹鼓勵我留低做他們叫我做的事。

到幾個月之前，GM要出CD5。我本來submit了一首自己的作品去參與，但他們沒有選上那就算吧。之後，他們本來call我去錄音，但講下講下最後連整張碟都print了我都懵然不知。到十一月我去幫手rehearse for the launching concert時，我見到原來他們都吸納了很多new members！Well, then, what's it when they were talking about they already had a core group that they didn't know where to put me? 接著，他們又要我不要這樣打鼓、不要那樣打鼓，要全部跟著CD(but then I didn't have a CD to listen to!)‧‧‧我知道每首歌都kind of有一個fixed arrangement，但我都不是太過自由發揮吧！And then I finally found out which songs they picked, and I discovered my song isn't all that different and bad in quality in comparison! And I do believe I have a good testimony behind it too! Anyways, I only hid my anger in my mind.

今天，我再次到GM練歌for the radio interview on Thursday，那就終於都取得到the newest song book and CD. 一聽完隻CD後我又一次發怒。Well, 今次CD水準in general比前四隻都有進步，但很多arrangement都很平淡(well, some of them are really good dealt though)，又沒有起伏又沒有新意，very typical GM. 分分鐘我都可以做得好些，雖然我不太懂錄音。既是這樣，為何不找我幫忙呢(even though I live far away)？選歌就不想再多講。唱歌就更加不用提，因為一到Vancouver我已無形地被categorize為一個instrumentalist instead of a musician who can both sing and play instruments. I truly feel like my talents are neglected and not appreciated. Am I really that odd musically? Does distance really affect my involvement?

From this experience I see a couple of things.
(1) To the negative side ... Who cares I have a MMus degree? When we are serving God, we are all equal and therefore I need to humble myself.
(2) To the positive side ... Even though people might not agree with my talents, God already has, otherwise He wouldn't put me into many ministries.

God always has something for me to learn when He puts me through something.

Don't think I hate GM. Really I don't. Serving in GM is something I've dreamed for a long time. I really appreciate all the talents they have in the team, ever since I sang the first song from them. Because God puts me in this ministry, I will serve faithfully regardless.

Sorry for my anger and pride ...

發洩完畢，希望GM不會「炒我魷魚」吧 ...

And My God Will Supply Every Need of Yours ...

"I have received full payment, and more. I am well supplied, having received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent, a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:18-19, ESV)

This is what Apostle Paul said to the people in Philippi. I can certainly change the context and apply the same scriptures to myself.

Two nights ago I was calculating how many months of rent I can still afford with the remaining amount of money in my bank account. The answer is - right up till June and I still have surplus (like a few hundred bucks)! Praise the Lord! But soon after many other worries came up - what about necessities? Will I have enough for that, even now I already have three students to teach? What about my investment in musical instruments, mallets and drum sticks, and sheet music? And if I could get an extension to live in my dormitory for another year, would I have enough money to maintain my room during the time I'm away, or do I have to move out for those two months and move back to another room in September? Finally I decided to sleep well and forget about them (temporarily).

The next morning (yesterday) I got a phone call from my church music director saying she would like to begin the drum set class (that she suggested to open) as soon as possible for there was a person asking about it. And she talked to me about my honourarium to those classes. In the afternoon, I found out from my dormitory's executive chef that the person whom he proposed to take over my weekend shift refused to take the post. (I deliver breakfast baskets to guest rooms in weekend mornings. And for health maintenance reason - not that I have illness; I just want to sleep better - I told the chef this week is my last week.) I immediately offered to continue helping until he recruited someone, for I really didn't want to just leave the job behind and then there would no one serving the guests in the weekend. Just after I sent the e-mail about my offer to the chef, I suddenly thought, would it be another opportunity, along with the drum set class, for me to earn more money to support my living? As soon as this thought hit me, I felt ecstatic because God eliminated my worries by giving me these chances! I felt He was saying to me, "Yeah so you were worrying about not having enough money to support your living, so here you go - MONEY! (well, of course the money wouldn't just shower upon me; I have to work to get it)"

Isn't God just amazing? He knows and understands all of our needs and He would supply every single one of them to their fullest extent. And indeed, He would always answer our prayers as long as we have hearts to seek Him. Lord, Your love and grace are amazing, and there would be no reason for me to alienate from You.

衷心感謝你 真誠真意地
在世上唯有你這樣為我不捨不棄
一心稱謝你 我要高舉你聖名
唯獨你是完美 完全配得讚美
- 感謝讚美, 1999

To Love A Person Is Not Easy ... cont'd

So, I actually wrote a song entitled "To Love A Person Is Not Easy", so I thought I would share this with you. From this song you'd know I actually suffered quite a bit with love before.

愛一個人原來不易
曲、詞：黃筠詠 © 2003

很想跟你說話 傾心傾意對話
將所有掛念你的語句盡情傾出
很想跟你浪漫 不管星宿變幻
給予你我最美麗而純真的愛

但拿著聽筒 只得到失意
但留在家中只有別人的結他
而我卻不想跟我共敘的是它
只想再次躺於你的臂彎 你知嗎

(Chorus)
愛一個人原來不易
有陣時仍不知道共你的感情是真與假
愛一個人從來不易
別去吧 讓我可跟你再一次情深對話 (知不知我極度孤單)
(別算吧 可知我 想跟你到未來情也未變掛)

不可跟你說話 不可跟你浪漫
將所有掛念你的語句長留心中孤單擁抱寂寞 只可傷心禱告
真心盼你會快樂而又想起我

但常在心中得絲絲嗟怨
但常在窗外只有淚盈的雪花
而我卻不想一個獨自傾淚灑
不知世界扭轉天昏地暗

To Love A Person Is Not Easy

Lately many of my friends (from Calgary or Vancouver) have been consistently venting to me about their personal problems (and they would all approach me late at night too): school, work, or love relationships. Mostly love relationships.

How come love can be so bothering to people (including myself)? How come it is so hard to find satisfaction in a relationship? And especially for Christians (maybe for non-Christians as well, depending on your value system), how come it is so hard to find a perfect other-half, someone who we could spend the rest of our lives with? How come some people can get it (as in a partner) so easily?

I ponder upon these questions a lot, and so far my conclusion is still the same - true love waits. It is like planting a tree. We have to first plant the seeds, water and fertilise it regularly and let it grow in its own speed. We can't force it grow faster. Likewise, a relationship takes time to develop. I don't know how other people think, but I prefer to have a close friendship with my target first before I proceed. I also believe a relationship must be mutual. And all of these would only happen when we take time.

Above all, I believe God would give me the perfect one - the one who will complete my life. God loves us infinitely. He even called Jesus Christ to take on flesh and die for us for our transgressions. With this unconditional love, for He has given us life, how can we not believe that He would always give us the best at the best time?

Be positive with life! Since in God there is always hope!

Strengthen Me, O Lord

Woah it is only the second week of school and I'm exhausted already! How am I gonna survive the rest of the term while school will only get more intense instead of less? Lord, be with me in this trial. I really want to do well in this term (like many others) for Your glory, since You have carried me this far in my music career. It is You who give me the intelligence, wisdom, and talent to play enjoyable music. In fact, You, the Creator of Universe, create music Yourself!

"This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts." (Zechariah 4:6, ESV)

Hold on Quennie!

I am still struggling in determining what to do after my MMus degree. Reality seems too harsh for me to handle. I don't think I'm ready. Do You think I'm ready, Lord? Should I slowly emerge or just dive into it? Hai~

Sincere Thanks!

Thanks for the great Japanese dinner tonight, Belle, Ham and Ris! You guys are truly my wonderful comrades-in-arms! And we are brothers and sisters in Christ too!

Must bring my parents to that restaurant when they come in May ...

I hate e-mails sometimes ... they keep coming in an unceasing manner. Every time they come, you can't resist reading and replying them. Then you end up writing e-mails for hours! Also, because of their efficiency, it gives you an assumption that you can achieve more tasks in a shorter period of time, but it actually makes you busier! Does this concept sound logical to anyone?

I hate my life as a percussionist sometimes too. Too many instruments to deal with. So much craps we need to bear from other people (i.e. space accommodation). So much time needed to get things done (i.e. set up). But I love playing percussion (and love playing music in general), and I know this is a life that God designs for me, so I will simply ask God to strengthen me ... At least I would need a great amount of perserverance to finish this ONE LAST TERM for my master's degree!

By the way, my photo album is updated. Simply click on to "Quennie's photos 5" at the right side of my blog and you will see them! Enjoy and God bless! :-)

New Year Resolution

Wow! I haven't even said "Happy New Year" in this blog! That showed how busy with various activities I have been lately.

Well, actually, I have just been having too much fun partying and enjoying other entertainment than sitting at the computer writing. Mind you I have a TV at home in Calgary so I would much rather watch some TV.

I had a marathon of birthday celebrations last week (plus other gatherings with friends, but all surrounded by eating). Thank God I'm a good friend. I hope my friendships with my friends will lead them all (closer) to Christ, whether they have already accepted Christ or not. Anyways, my sincere thanks to everyone who invited me for meals, who attended my birthday celebrations, and who bought me gifts and cards. More importantly, thanks for all your love and friendships - they will never be forgotten!

So New Year Resolution. First, I decided I would sleep early this year. At least earlier than 2am. Hopefully before 1am too. My dark circles are getting way too severe and that makes me look tired all the time, despite how "un-tired" I am. Second, I would not let love issues become my burden anymore. God has His plans and I should just be submissive and try not to take over the control panel. I shall focus on my schoolwork. Third, I shall keep all my promises that I've made to God at the end of 2006. You know what they are, my Lord.

I know this term will be another hard one since I already have many things to settle right on the first day. But anyways, I know God will help me to graduate, and so I will!