Explosive Feelings

今次我想我要用中文才能explicitly express到我內心就要爆發出來的feelings.

我亦希望我只需要講一次。

很多人都知道我是在頌恩旋律﹝下GM﹞裡事奉。GM是一個under王者文化的基督教音樂事工，原於溫哥華。因為經常要穿梭全球去事奉，久而久之便成立了很多GM分隊，而我就是於GM Calgary出身的。由GM Calgary到GM Vancouver，都有差不多三年的時間。在Calgary時，大家都事奉得很開心，因為都是一班相識多年的主內弟兄姊妹，彼此之間的音樂默契很強，而且大家都勇於嘗試﹝well，跟事工剛剛開始這個因素都有關係﹞。來到Vancouver，本來抱住很多期待─期待可以終於跟我很欣賞的GM Vancouver合作；期待可以跟他們交流一下音樂，從而擦出新的火花。

初到貴境，我都有參與不少：做了兩次歌劇─一次在Calgary；一次在Seattle，亦在Seattle做了一場concert。但之後，可能因為時間不合，我又不可能get involved in全部事工，再加上自己又住得遠，我足足有一年沒有在GM事奉。有一段時間，我對GM事工感到很無奈，甚至有點想退出，因為第一整隊team都頗work-oriented，一埋位就是練歌，spiritually沒有太多交通 (which is something I truly emphasize when I work in a praise team). 第二，很多時收到call話要get involved in some ministries，但都是聞樓梯響，最後都參與不到。第三，曾經有位在Calgary的姊妹覆述他們的一番話，which is 他們都不知可以放我在那裡，因為他們已有一班core member做慣了。﹝我都認同，因為他們的製作很多都差不多﹞但那位姊妹鼓勵我留低做他們叫我做的事。

到幾個月之前，GM要出CD5。我本來submit了一首自己的作品去參與，但他們沒有選上那就算吧。之後，他們本來call我去錄音，但講下講下最後連整張碟都print了我都懵然不知。到十一月我去幫手rehearse for the launching concert時，我見到原來他們都吸納了很多new members！Well, then, what's it when they were talking about they already had a core group that they didn't know where to put me? 接著，他們又要我不要這樣打鼓、不要那樣打鼓，要全部跟著CD(but then I didn't have a CD to listen to!)‧‧‧我知道每首歌都kind of有一個fixed arrangement，但我都不是太過自由發揮吧！And then I finally found out which songs they picked, and I discovered my song isn't all that different and bad in quality in comparison! And I do believe I have a good testimony behind it too! Anyways, I only hid my anger in my mind.

今天，我再次到GM練歌for the radio interview on Thursday，那就終於都取得到the newest song book and CD. 一聽完隻CD後我又一次發怒。Well, 今次CD水準in general比前四隻都有進步，但很多arrangement都很平淡(well, some of them are really good dealt though)，又沒有起伏又沒有新意，very typical GM. 分分鐘我都可以做得好些，雖然我不太懂錄音。既是這樣，為何不找我幫忙呢(even though I live far away)？選歌就不想再多講。唱歌就更加不用提，因為一到Vancouver我已無形地被categorize為一個instrumentalist instead of a musician who can both sing and play instruments. I truly feel like my talents are neglected and not appreciated. Am I really that odd musically? Does distance really affect my involvement?

From this experience I see a couple of things.
(1) To the negative side ... Who cares I have a MMus degree? When we are serving God, we are all equal and therefore I need to humble myself.
(2) To the positive side ... Even though people might not agree with my talents, God already has, otherwise He wouldn't put me into many ministries.

God always has something for me to learn when He puts me through something.

Don't think I hate GM. Really I don't. Serving in GM is something I've dreamed for a long time. I really appreciate all the talents they have in the team, ever since I sang the first song from them. Because God puts me in this ministry, I will serve faithfully regardless.

Sorry for my anger and pride ...

發洩完畢，希望GM不會「炒我魷魚」吧 ...