心力交瘁

After going through all the things this past week and a bit, I can totally grasp the meaning of心力交瘁 (physically and mentally spent). Too many things (and big things too) have happened, and too many things I need to deal with. I was preparing to record an audition and then a performance afterwards, and I was packing for move-out. It has already been quite a busy period of time for me … But unexpectedly, I had to travel twice to Calgary for family matters in the midst of these events. You know when sudden things happen like this, I have to rearrange many things. Well, I guess if I decided not to care about them, I would be more care free; but I am normally a responsible person, so if I don’t take care of those matters, I would actually feel guilty. And I would rather be stressful than be guilty.

The most pathetic thing is, there are little things that keep my responsibilities from being fulfilled. That makes me even more frustrated. You know, those things don’t necessary have to happen. But I guess if I could handle my responsibilities a little better and didn’t make any mistake at all (like not even a hint), then none of these would happen.

Rather than being frustrated over these little flaws though, I think I really should just rely on God’s grace to finish my responsibilities. None of us is flawless and we always make mistakes. Not that we shouldn’t correct them, but we shouldn’t be obsessed with them. It’s okay to be a perfectionist. We just need to move on from our wrongs and do better next time. However, if we are all perfect, then we don’t have room for God, which is the saddest thing in life! I’d much rather have God than myself!

Before I wrote this entry, I was so tired that I wish I would just have a week off now and be away from Vancouver/Calgary (since if I stay in either of those places I would be very busy with all sorts of things). Or I wish I would be sick right now so I’m forced to take days off (but sadly I don’t think I could take much rest because of my schedule and my personality). But after some writing, I feel much better. Thanks, Lord Jesus, for Your comfort and strength.