Was Blind, But Now I See ...

So ... ditched out of my old friend's wedding in the VERY last minute. I still get teared up when I think about this.

What happened?

My right got an abrasion. A huge scratch on my cornea. *Sigh*

I didn't feel too well already on Christmas day. But I thought it was because I was sleep-deprived so I decided not to worry about it too much. The next day, boxing day, when I had to help my mom at her shop, I started to have a hard time opening up my eye. Well, the same situation happened before when I didn't catch enough sleep, so I ignored it also and went ahead and work. Exhaustion and bright light made my eye hurt even more. In the middle of the day, tears kept coming out of my right eye, and the eye became crimson and swollen. I couldn't bear opening it anymore. My mom saw the problem and told me to go inside and take a rest. I put ice-cold bottled water and teabag on my eye respectively hopefully to soothe the pain, but it didn't work. I finally surrendered and called the groom that I would not be able to make it to his wedding rehearsal, and told dad to take me home.

Never have I experienced such pain in my eye. I went to bed immediately after I took a shower so I might have a chance to open my eye again after some rest. Unfortunately, my wish didn't come true. The next morning I had to tell the worship leader (I was supposed to play drums for worship that day before the wedding) and the groom that I had to ditch out. NOOOOOO!!!!! I cried terribly hard when I prayed to God.

My dad brought me to the doctor. Found out what happened, got some antibiotic eyedrop, ate something, then went home. Counting boxing day, and this day I'm talking about right now, and some hours the next day, I had been "blind" for two full days. I had to keep my eyes shut to prevent friction, so whenever I had to go somewhere within my house, I had to use my hands and feet as my aides. Most of the time I slept or "listened to the TV". I haven't slept that much for ages.

If it took this disaster to make me rest, then I guess I should really adjust my schedule after new years. I'm such a workaholic. Anyhow, the fourth day after the disaster, which is today, I can finally sit at the computer and type again. Thanks to those who prayed for me and sent wishes to me. :-)

For those who have been dying to see my photos at Miss Chinese Vancouver Pageant, they are up on facebook right now. Sorry I still don't have the ones with my cheongsam outfit yet. But at least you get the pretty hair and make-up ... and DJ Remus. :-D

Like A Dream ...

橫豎都冇得「訓」，不如update下個blog啦。

昨晚簡直好似發了場夢﹝I have to say last night because it's almost 5am﹞─我居然穿著旗袍在溫哥華華裔小姐選舉打marimba！多謝某兩位在Fairchild TV工作的姊妹介紹。有一點夢想成真的感覺，因為不怕講你知我有時會dream about myself becoming Miss Something (i.e. HK, Chinese Calgary, Chinese Vancouver ...)，但當然我一直只在發夢，沒有想過真是膽粗粗去參選。今次有機會踏上選美舞台去見識，of course I was thrilled，even though I only performed in a small part！還有專人幫你化靚妝，set頭，那些化妝效果盼且我一生人都做不到。Set頭更加不用說，我怎去自己紥一個那麼雍容華貴的髫出來？Anyhow，裝扮完我都特別照鏡多幾次！:-)

一直以來我都希望穿著旗袍，但我身型不夠好，所以一直都沒有機會。但今次因為負責旗袍環節，所以我終於有機會了。還好效果不差，哈哈！曾經有一位傳道人講過，"God is a BIG God who can do BIG things. He fulfills your desires in wonderful ways."用在這個contest似乎不太spiritual，但神真是很funny，讓我高興一番。LOL ...

還有一些意想不到的事。大會安排我跟音樂總監沈安麟先生合作；我見過他好幾次，但今次是第一次personally認識他。上電視做大show一定有得見明星啦！廖碧兒、蔡一傑、林嘉華、河國榮，我還跟蔡一傑影合照呢！很抱歉，我是用別人的相機來拍照，所以現在無得看。

哈哈！總之今次is a fun experience啦！

P.S. This morning, after I typed about three lines, I fell asleep. So I only got to finish it now ... late at night! :-P

TA

做我呢份TA，「zhen de bu rong yi ﹝真的不容易﹞」。(You will get why I typed the pronounciation of the words in Mandarin if you've watched 家好月圓)

曾經做過很多group leader work 的我，一個人帶著五個「細路」(not in terms of their age but their experience) 闖江湖，本應不難。但當你一個人要想多五個人的東西，還要跟幾位老闆﹝conductors﹞溝通時，有時真是幾難頂。可能我習慣了work with people who are of the same level as mine or at higher levels，當我work with一些newbies，反而我不太懂從他們的角度想東西。他們經驗尚淺，他們會問一些問題是你平日會assume你的同行已知道答案的，所以當我聽到問題我會很奇怪，but then I immediately realize why they would ask those questions (actually, when I was younger, I also asked those questions). 除此之外，他們極度需要你的提點－不止提一次，是起碼幾次。有很多東西﹝一些如果你是音樂家你會預料到的東西﹞是他們不會想到的，而他們又應該知道的，你要立刻讓他們知道。他們being challenged by the conductor，你要替他們解圍，或解釋給他們知道為何會被challenged。他們受指揮氣，你要一起受，甚至會覺得更難受。表演時有何差池，你可能要現場rescue他們，or else 整個section會被拖垮。

其實，我班「細路」已十分爭氣；短短三個月的時間，他們由拿鼓棍的方法都不太懂到演出有板有眼，已十分難得。繼續努力！

至於我，我也要努力－努力去教好他們。神給我這個職場事奉的機會，我就要好好珍惜，才能榮神益人啊！

RIP, 丈公

今天母親跟我說，住在香港的姨丈公已逝世了一段日子。

其實，最近這個念頭﹝姨丈公逝世﹞經常在我腦海裡出現。但是，當我收到消息時，我始終不能相信。

這一年以來我也有回香港旅遊的想法。觀光購物不是主要，最重要我想見回我的舊朋友及親戚，尤其是年逾九十的丈公及姑婆。如今，我不能再見丈公了，不免有點遺憾。不過，值得欣慰的是丈公是基督徒，將來可以在天家重聚。這個應許是沒有人能夠改變的。

丈公，你放心在天家享福吧！

Will You Remember Me?

This is my fourth year in Vancouver now. Through these years, I have achieved many things - two degrees, established some reputation in my performance and teaching careers, established a new fellowship in church and many more. Better still, I have transformed quite a bit as a person, and have developed many intimate friendships with many friends.

NEVER have I forgotten about my friends in Calgary though. I think about them often. Of course, distance and busyness limit our chance of communication. I guess all of us have tried our best to connect with each other, but the sad reality tells us (or at least, me) - things have changed. We have gone separate ways. We have our own lives. But, shouldn't a genuine friendship transcends all ages and geographic locations?

Anyhow, God tells us to love one another as ourselves, and I very much value the importance of friendships, so I will continue to pay the effort to keep the friendships up, no matter where my friends are. However, my dear friends, I hope you'd feel the same. I hope that you'll remember me often. I hope that whenever I see you, you'd be happy to see me too.

27 + 12

It's not a math question, FYI.

Today, September 27, 2008, is a huge day for my family. It's my parents' 27th anniversary, and my 12th anniversary of being a reborn Christian. I don't know how my parents are going to celebrate their anniversary, but for me, I am gonna play drums in the big Grace Melodia evangelical concert tonight (and tomorrow night)!

Honestly, without my parents there would not be me. And without Jesus Christ's salvation, I would not be who I am today. So, isn't preaching the gospel through my musical gifts (one of the ABSOLUTE GREATEST gifts God has given me) the greatest way to celebrate these two important events? :-D

I love you, Mom and Dad!!!
I LOVE YOU, LORD JESUS!!!!! <333333333

Stuffing Human Sardines Until Insanity!

Insane.

Whether I bus early in the morning or late at night, the same thing appears - the bus is PACKED.

Insane.

Sometimes in the morning people would be watching the busses come and go, but can't get on one until the 5th or 6th time around. Really thank God this has only happened to me once or twice so far.

Insane.

When you get on the bus (whether it's early morning or late night), all you hear is the bus driver yelling, "Push all the way back please! Be cozy! Make friends!" Sometimes VO does this job, in a much gentler manner, "Please move to the rear of the bus." Once everybody has got on (if we can squeeze anybody), you will hear another quote from the bus driver, "Hold on for your safety please." That's true - since the bus is so crowded, it's difficult to find something to hold on to. If you happen to have a seat, you don't see nothing but human bodies. They block all the beautiful scenaries of Vancouver.

Insane.

Sometimes I have to stand all the way from where I get on till the UBC terminal. Or if I'm seated, I would be suffocated because the level of crowdedness does NOT get reduced AT ALL. The first half of the bus ride would be crowded with high school students and the second half university students. Sometimes I would just ignore what's going on by dozing off ...

Insane.

After 9pm the bus only comes every half an hour. People would be so fed up with waiting for the bus and they would fight to get on the bus ... I have developed some good "sneaking into the bus" skills so I don't have to wait another half an hour longer.

Insane.

Nevertheless, one thing always happens - when I get off the bus, I'd always be thankful with such enjoyable fresh air!

Time to go to sleep or else I won't be able to make to class 8.5 hours later!!!!!

THIS IS INSANITY!!!

Thanks!

I was deeply touched by the appreciation remarks from Hezekiah fellowshippers. I really thank God for putting me in this fellowship and serve as its debut chairperson. Tonight's remarks truly reveal all the work God has done in me for the past 12 years (I became a Christian on September 27, 1996 ... the anniversary is coming up pretty soon!). He really has shaped me into a useful tool of His. All the glory and honour be to Him!

Thank You, my Lord, for everything You've done in me. How can I not serve You?

Furthermore, thank you all, dear Brothers and Sisters from Hezekiah. I love you all dearly! <3

Choice

面對抉擇
曲、詞：西伯
(c) 1996 共享詩歌

環境諸多變遷，誰可以看見，明天的發展和際遇？
人智慧有限，難作選擇，前路一片茫茫如沒路牌！

人心思可變更，誰可以看透，人心中的構思和計劃？
人你我互謀，難作審斷，前路一片茫茫如沒路牌！

副歌：面對抉擇面臨困惑，心底裡幾番衝動：　　　
人去亦難留更難，常退避沒有用！　　　
今天我有主耶穌的足印，給我作指引！　　　
面對艱難我誓要跟從，原因主智慧無限。　　　
實在我不配為我作選擇，原因我已屬上主所有。

Home Sweet Home???

Just went to D+E's wedding ceremony at my home church, and met many old church friends, aunties and uncles. Of course I was very glad to see them, but I still felt distant from many of them whom I've once close with. What is it that makes it so hard for us to connect with one another?

But unlike last few times I came back to Calgary, this weird feeling didn't strike me as much. After all, this is my home church and I'm glad to come back. Normally I feel depressed when I can't interact much with old friends. Is it some sort of indication from God?

We'll see if some devoted conversations can be created tonight at the banquet.

Tomorrow morning I'm back to Vancouver for one more school year. Finally this is the real last school year (for the time being at least) ... I will make this last a blast! :-)

Where Are You, Friends?

Another big group of elementary school friends came back to my life just recently. Isn't it amazing we are connected again after 13 years of vanishment from each other's life? Even more amazing, we still love to recall all the good memories we had in those years.

I flipped through the yearbooks I had from grade 7 to grade 12. A lot of my schoolmates' appearance changed drastically over the 6 years. From childish hairstyle, kids' T-shirts and big glasses to fancy hairstyle (dyed, curly, lots of accessories ...), mature dressing and make-up. Not only have we changed outwardly, inwardly we are all transformed somewhat. At least for myself. Despite my transformation, I still miss all my good friends. There are a few friends I really want to contact again ... Where are you guys? I miss you! I hope you are all well! May the grace of the Lord be with you all, forever and ever.

New Record

My goodness, the amount of money I have in my bank account hits record low.

But I'm not worried at all.

I was worried for a while last month. I even calculated how much money I will be making this month to see if my butt will be saved for August. It turns out to be - the more I try to calculate, the more God will prevent me from making the money I should be making.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." (Proverbs 16:9, NIV)

God's grace is always abundant - I never fall short in all aspects of my life. Then, why not I just obey God and enjoy what He has for me? I never have a negative number in my bank account, and so I won't.

Nevertheless, I still need to work really hard to make a living.

Some Discoveries

There comes the end of my four-day car-driving journey. I discovered a few things:

1. I haven't forgotten driving. (hahaha, what a gag!)
2. Driving in Vancouver isn't all that scary. (Quite possibly I've lived in this city for three years and I'm somewhat familiar with the roadmap.)
3. Oil price is definitely TOOOOOOO high. I spent the same amount of money for one tank of fuel formerly for only half a tank now!

At this point, I really won't think about investing a car in Vancouver. First of all, I don't know where I will end up after graduation (again!). Furthermore, I'm financially incompetent. I don't know if I can save even a buck when I have to pay insurance every month and expensive gas once a week or so. Even if someone gives me a car now, I would just say, "No thank you, I'm good with the bus and my shopping cart." It's a good way to be green anyways.

The Day Has Come!

The long-awaited day has come - I finally get to drive in Vancouver! Even though it's only going to be four days with a rental car I'm not familiar with, it's more than enough.

Thank You, Lord, for Your provision. I'll truly enjoy these four days because You allow it. :-D

Lord, Thy Will Be Done!

Only four months have passed in year 2008, but I feel like 4 years have gone by. A lot has happened. I know this is such a cliche to say, but I mean it wholeheartedly this time around. Many good and exciting things happened, but at the same time, also a lot of suffering, failures and disappointments. Often negative things strike me more than positive things.

It's like I've purchased a multi-function machine - all come in one. Family death, friend problems, failing to get into a summer program after spending a vast amount of effort, not pulling off a great recital (or should I say, only pulled off a mediocre recital), "strange encounter" on the street ... all these (that seem important to me) happened while I'm still recovering from my emotional downfall and figuring out myself. MY GOODNESS! HELP!

I don't ever question God why I have to go through these difficult incidents, though I do wonder why I have to go through them all simultaneously while I feel like a cripple. Well, if I don't feel incompetent, how can I let God work through me? I've always heard that one's character can only be developed through suffering. As these events occured one by one, I start to ponder upon this and wonder if it has to be suffering that builds me up. Well, I believe the answer is yes ... especially when this point is emphasized often in the book I'm reading now. Suffering does make a person tougher. Look at me.

If what I've gone through so far this year is to make me a better servant of God, then all I'll say is, "Lord, I am willing. Thy will be done!"

【主啊！我願意】
曲、詞；吉中鳴
詩集：齊唱短歌第 03 集，5

主啊！我願意被你拆下，
主啊！我願意被你建立，
無論是多麼難，無論是多麼苦，
我仍願意來到主腳前。

Sounds a bit absurd, but I'm kissing relationship goodbye. Period.

內心交戰 Inner Turmoil

Psa 13:1 （大衛的詩，交與伶長。）耶和華啊，你忘記我要到幾時呢？要到永遠嗎？你掩面不顧我要到幾時呢？
Psa 13:2 我心裡籌算，終日愁苦，要到幾時呢？我的仇敵升高壓制我，要到幾時呢？
Psa 13:3 耶和華我的神啊，求你看顧我，應允我！使我眼目光明，免得我沉睡至死；
Psa 13:4 免得我的仇敵說：我勝了他；免得我的敵人在我搖動的時候喜樂。
Psa 13:5 但我倚靠你的慈愛；我的心因你的救恩快樂。
Psa 13:6 我要向耶和華歌唱，因他用厚恩待我。

Psa 13:1 To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David. How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
Psa 13:2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Psa 13:3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
Psa 13:4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
Psa 13:5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
Psa 13:6 I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Lord, I don't know when this crisis is going to end. But I trust you will help me through this. And after what I've gone through, I will grow and be even closer to You.

I'd Rather Have Jesus 我寧願有耶穌

The day after I found out I failed the NYO audition, I read John 21 on the bible. A lot of people would recall the miraculous catch of fish and Jesus questioning Peter three times if he loved Him, but what caught my attention was the following:

Joh 21:20 彼得轉過來，看見耶穌所愛的那門徒跟著，（就是在晚飯的時候，靠著耶穌胸膛說：「主啊，賣你的是誰？」的那門徒。)
Joh 21:21 彼得看見他，就問耶穌說：「主啊，這人將來如何？」
Joh 21:22 耶穌對他說：「我若要他等到我來的時候，與你何干？你跟從我吧！」
Joh 21:23 於是這話傳在弟兄中間，說那門徒不死。其實，耶穌不是說他不死，乃是說：「我若要他等到我來的時候，與你何干？」


Personally I prefer the English version:
Joh 21:20 Peter turned and saw the disciple whom Jesus loved following them, the one who had been reclining at table close to him and had said, "Lord, who is it that is going to betray you?" Joh 21:21 When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?"
Joh 21:22 Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!"
Joh 21:23 So the saying spread abroad among the brothers that this disciple was not to die; yet Jesus did not say to him that he was not to die, but, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?"

When I read this, I felt as if this passage was speaking to me in particular. Indeed, I was quite pissed off when I saw the audition results. I was even more pissed off when I found out one of my former yet younger classmates won. I've worked hard, and everybody was quite certain that I'd get in, but I DID NOT. Momentarily I thought, "Why God always has to make everything so hard for me to accomplish? How come it's always so easy for someone else to win an audition, but for me, regardless how big or small the audition is, I don't win anything! My music journey is simply too hard!" But then after all these thoughts I quickly reminded myself that God has the absolute control over my life. No matter how hard I work for a competition or how I think I would win a competition, I won't win if God says no. I have even fewer chances to win if I'm obsessed with winning/losing and lose sight of God.

Feeling helpless over the night, the next morning I read this bible passage. If I fit my situation into this, it would be like, "If it is my will that s/he would win an audition (or even has less stumbles in his/her music journey), what is that to you? You must follow me!" Yes, it's more important (and better) to follow Jesus Christ tightly and to receive His blessings than to attempt to gain any perishable recognition in the world, for His blessings surpass any treasure in the world and they cannot be taken away from me. Any one would encounter successes and failures in his/her life. Without experience both scenarios then life is unrealistic. Only with ups and downs I will grow. I need to learn to see a bigger picture, and not to easily give in to failures. I need to pick myself up from there. Yes, with the grace and strength from God, for He gives us hope.

Actually, I was worried that if I go away I would not be able to assist my students who want to take exams over the summer. Also, a couple of people were waiting for my replies regarding helping out in a couple of concerts (one is a paid position) in July. Now I don't have to worry.

Closing up I would like to share a classic hymn, which the name is the title of this entry.

我寧願有耶穌 I'd Rather Have Jesus (生命聖詩 Hymn of Life #361)
Music by: George B. Shea
Lyrics by: Rhea F. Miller (E), 劉福群/何統雄 (C), 滕近輝 (editor)

1. 我寧願有耶穌，勝得金錢，我寧屬耶穌，勝得財富無邊；
我寧願有耶穌，勝得華宇，願主釘痕手，引導我前途。
I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold; I'd rather be His than have riches untold;
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands; I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand

2. 我寧願有耶穌，勝得稱頌，我寧忠於主，成全祂的事工；
我寧願有耶穌，勝得名聲，願向主聖名永赤膽忠誠。
I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause; I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than worldwide fame; I'd rather be true to His holy name

3. 恩主比百合花更加美艷，遠比蜂房蜜更加可口甘甜；
惟主能滿足我飢渴心靈，我寧願有主，跟隨祂引領。
He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom; He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all that my hungering spirit needs; I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead

副歌：勝過做君王，雖統治萬方，卻仍受罪惡捆綁；　　　
我寧願有耶穌，勝得世界榮華，富貴，聲望。
Chorus: Than to be the king of vast domain or be held in sin's dead sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything this world afords today.

Amen.

家事輯錄﹝二﹞

一樁家事﹝二﹞─珍惜眼前人 黃筠詠 Quennie Wong

筆者曾於兩年前撰寫一篇題為《一樁家事》的文章，內容講述我祖父離世前信主的經過。料不到，現在我又要再寫類似的題目，今次是講述我剛離世的祖母。

自從祖父安息主懷之後，祖母的身體開始不大如前。於去年十一月，她被驗出有淋巴癌。她是未信的，所以收到消息時我比較擔心她的屬靈景況。一方面我鼓勵我在卡城信主的親戚﹝包括我弟弟﹞盡快傳福音，但另一方面我又覺得無奈，因為祖母一生都沒有信主，怎能輕易叫她突然相信呢？我只有祈禱交託，心想聖誕節回到卡城才算了。

於聖誕假期我探望過祖母兩次，兩次都是跟父母一起。我本想自己再探她，但我忙於幫助母親的生意，而且父母怕會驚擾祖母，我便打消念頭。第一次探望時她的精神還不錯，可以認出眾人，又可緩慢行動。但個多星期後，即我第二次探望她時，情況就轉壞。因為癌症令她腹痛，她要服用tylenol 3來止痛，但亦令她身體機能衰退，甚至令她神智不清及大小便失禁。當晚我們到她家時，她已開始不能認人，而且痛楚令她身體震動。我很想跟她傳福音，但我真是沒有勇氣，只能默默為她禱告。到我們離開時，我實在感到內疚。幹嘛我那麼懦弱？我跟母親說，希望祖母能支持到一月尾，因為這段時間我要預備暑期青年管弦樂團﹝National Youth Orchestra﹞的面試。但我深知道，一切是由神掌管，人類不能干涉。

於一月十六日的晚上，母親致電問我的面試完畢沒有﹝沒有，因為是在十九日舉行﹞。我知道一定是祖母有事，就叫母親直接說出情形。她說祖母在醫院，需要用氧氣幫助呼吸，而且不大清醒。她非常懇切地叫我就算只回去一天都好，都要盡快回家，因為情況真是不大樂觀。我立即訂購翌晨Air Canada第一班航機回卡城，然後最後一班飛機回溫哥華。今次時間雖比上次更急，但我心裡卻沒有上次的焦慮，只是都有失眠。記得母親於電話中說祖母好像表達一些掛念我的說話，我心想神是特意保留她的生命來讓我回去見她及向她傳福音。

一月十七日清晨一下機以後，只背著一個小背囊的我便與父親趕到醫院探望祖母。可憐的祖母，她的身體被癌細胞折磨到不似人形，完全是「皮包骨」！我望完她一眼後我要立刻轉身，因為我不能忍心看著她悲慘的樣子！過了一會，我走出去會客的地方安靜。我祈求神給予我勇氣去面對於病房裡在死亡邊緣掙扎的祖母，因為拯救靈魂要緊啊！感謝主垂聽禱告，在大概兩個小時以後我終於再次踏進房間去看她。跨過一個挑戰後，另一個又來臨：我的二姑媽在房間裡不斷地為祖母唸佛經。當然，我絕對知道我的神，世上唯一一位真神，是大過人所造出來的所謂「神」，但為了尊重長輩，我只好坐在房間裡默不作聲。有一分鐘的時間，二姑媽出去房間外做事﹝真的只有一分鐘！﹞，我便把握機會走到床邊跟祖母講福音。未及察覺祖母的反應，姑媽便入來。我雖不知道祖母的回應，但我內心卻十分平安。後來我再有一次又是短促的機會跟祖母獨處，我便又跟她講福音。今次我講完後她微張的眼睛即時眨了一眨，而且本來面色蒼白的她亦變得稍為紅潤。別人認為她是稍有好轉﹝都不會是代表她的病情會有甚突破，因為她已到了末期了﹞，但我深信神是引證給我這位小信的知道她已得救了。

下午的時候我回到家中休息。其實最近這段時間我真的心力交瘁，因為我正在預備面試及一月二十八日搬家的事情，而且我還在整頓我教學生的新schedule。在家中的幾個小時我便懶洋洋地躺在沙發上休息，等待要緊急回公司工作的父母。因為我原定是乘當晚最後一班機回溫哥華，所以我們打算在我出發到機場時再到醫院探望暫時情況穩定的祖母。怎料，在當晚大概八時三十分，我們突然收到消息說祖母情況有變，我們便立刻趕回醫院。那天晚上下著大雪，本應不是一個大問題，但就在我們駕車期間，其中一位親戚打了三次電話來催促我們趕快到醫院，因為祖母體溫急劇下降。原本心境平靜的我難免有點焦急，可能祖母在世的時間快要結束了！

神其實也極其眷顧我們一家﹝相信跟我父親是家裡第一位兒子有關﹞。當我們到達醫院一支箭直衝上去病房時，神就是讓我們有最後一次機會跟祖母說話。﹝有些親戚還沒有到﹞我們四人說話以後，她就非常平靜又不動聲息地離開人世。感謝神，她離世時的樣子比我早上探望她時好看，相信她已到了天家與祖父重聚了。

在整日的過程中，我跟幾位已信主的親戚傾談，原來他們都有各自向祖母傳福音。感謝主，我還發現多了幾名親戚信了主。「當信主耶穌，你和你一家都必得救。」﹝徒16:31﹞福音的種子已漸漸在我家中成長了。

當晚我照原定的時間回溫哥華。心情有點忐忑的我在飛機上不停反覆思想人生的方向：我很想發展音樂事業，但家裡還有很大的屬靈禾場，我怎能忍心撇棄家人隻身往外發展呢？事業固然重要，但家人的屬靈狀況更加重要！我依然希望終有一天我可以跟父母及弟弟一起上教會！求神幫助我、引導我。

家事輯錄﹝一﹞

人生總會經歷生離死別，我亦不例外。我的祖父母在先後兩年相繼去世，我亦將他們臨終前信主的經過寫成文章，在這裡與大家分享。

一樁家事 黃筠詠 Quennie Wong

在二月十六日的早上，我收到我表姊家媚的電郵及母親的電話留言，說爺爺跌倒被送入醫院，情況危殆。其實在此之前幾星期他已經跌倒過一次；我擔心得很，便趕快致電去正在工作的母親去了解情形，並跟她說若然要我回去卡城我一定會不顧一切地回去。通話之後，我又立刻致電給張牧師並發電郵給城西堂的一些弟兄姊妹及我溫哥華團契的團友，叫他們為我爺爺禱告。

那天整天就好像一場惡夢一樣。一方面我真是十分擔心我爺爺，因為他未信主；雖然我一直求神快點差派天使去向他傳福音，亦相信神會給他機會去悔改，但那時我的信心是完全被拋諸腦後。另一方面，我最近學業的負擔越來越重，就算我內心很痛苦我也要強逼自己應付功課。當日我到我好友房間訴苦時，我憂傷到不能作聲。晚上，我分別跟母親及家媚通電話。母親說到第二日早上進一步了解爺爺的情形後才討論要不要我回去卡城，而家媚則說我應盡快回去，因為恐怕時間真是不多，而且家人不大喜歡傳道人去探望，傳福音的工作就落在我們幾個信主的孫兒們了。

經過一個難眠的夜晚後，於二月十七日早上，我又再致電給母親。她囑咐我，倘若我可以的話，便訂購即晚的機票回去卡城。感謝神，我於West Jet訂購到一些價錢不太昂貴的機票。之後，我便立即將我當晚在團契的事奉交託給人，又將我的情況告訴我的教授們，又囑咐我宿舍內的好友好好地照顧將要來溫哥華探望我的朋友。一輪的交代後便是收拾房間及行李，然後傍晚時便出發到機場。踏入機場check in時我感到一份前所未有的孤獨。雖然我知道弟兄姊妹們都為我們禱告，我亦知道神會托住我，但那時我的感覺便是我好像自己一個人去打仗般─除了要與時間作戰外，還要與魔鬼作戰！而且我有點覺得我身負重任啊！

在飛機上，我倦極而睡，但我的心還是很亂。當晚零晨十二時左右，我終於到了卡城。我本想提出立即去醫院探望爺爺，因為家媚曾多次致電問我會否一下機便到那裡，又告訴我爺爺見到一些邪靈；但父母親都沒有此意﹝因為他們說當日爺爺很清醒，可以輕鬆一點。但這是中國人所謂的「迴光反照」﹞，就算了吧。而且，我聽到聖靈說神的時間未到，那我便回家，想著好好睡一頓才說。

二月十八日清晨六時，即我下機六小時之後，母親突然間大聲叫我和弟弟翊銘起床，因為爺爺的情況急轉直下。我二話不說就衝到洗手間刷牙洗臉。當我刷牙時，我又聽到聖靈說：「是時候了！你要見證主！」梳洗過後，我立刻跪下禱告，求神給我聰明智慧去見證祂，並告知翊銘又致電家媚囑咐他們要有心理準備去傳福音。去到醫院見到爺爺瘦骨嶙峋，又呼吸困難不大清醒的樣子，我的心快要跌下來了！家媚到達醫院後，我跟她、翊銘及表妹天蕙便立刻召開祈禱會，求神引領。我亦致電勁揚弟兄吩咐他呼籲星期六詩班為我們禱告。

擾攘了一段時間後，房間裡就只剩我、翊銘及家媚三人，我們便把握機會去向爺爺傳福音。因為我們都沒有向垂死的病人傳福音的經驗，我們只好不斷地用僅有的中文不停地說，希望會有反應。當我第一次向他呼召時，我問：「爺爺，你會否願意接受主耶穌基督？若然你願意，就不要皺著眉頭了。﹝那時他很痛苦﹞」我們察覺到他的眉頭果然放鬆了。然後，我們多問他幾次是否真的接受主，他都有些微反應─感謝主！就在那刻，我父親就進來囑咐我們不要在嫲嫲面前說基督教的東西，以及告知我們喪禮會用佛教儀式舉行﹝說真的，那時大家都知道爺爺不會在世上久留的了﹞。那一刻，我、翊銘及家媚三人也覺得只要爺爺接受主，其他一切都不重要了！

大概十時左右，我表兄德全帶同表嫂頌恩、她母親莊師母及表侄心悅來到探望。我們三人便將爺爺信主的過程告知莊師母，她又在眾人面前為他作決志禱告。我真佩服莊師母可以在我一班未信主的親戚面前大聲宣講神的話！

下午跟翊銘吃過午餐，又交談一輪近況以後，我們又回去病房守候。其實當時也沒有甚麼擔心的，只是希望爺爺能支持到我在香港的大姑媽，即家媚的母親，趕到卡城來看看他﹝但神並沒有成就這事﹞。由於幾晚沒有好好睡過，我已經累透了。但在這段時間，又怎能放鬆下來休息呢？我只能時而站在病床邊，時而到會客室坐坐，或時而跟別人通電話交代情形。接近傍晚時分，靠著嗎啡來止痛的爺爺痛得很厲害，不斷呻吟，但我們都覺得如果再注射重量嗎啡的話，會加速他的死亡，所以我們只能用言語安慰他。就在那時，我有一個感動去唱詩歌給爺爺聽，於是我就默禱求神賜予力量，然後就開聲唱，家媚則站在我旁。我一直地唱了接近半小時，那時全間病房也很平靜；母親在房內小睡，父親則在房外坐著聽著。真的感謝主，半小時來沒有人阻止我，爺爺都沒有呻吟，而且他樣子純如綿羊。我為爺爺作了一個禱告，之後醫生為他作檢查，我亦停止了我的聲音。醫生說若然見到他咀唇或指甲變藍，便即是說他隨時會離開世界。聽見醫生的說話以後，我和家人便決定首先回家梳洗及吃晚飯，然後再回來守候。

跟家人吃晚飯的時候，可能已經有一段時間沒有一起吃飯，而且又疲累，大家都只顧談話不願吃飯。飯吃到一半，四姑丈致電父親手機說爺爺指甲變藍。我們全部人都「劈低碗筷」，然後結帳趕去醫院。去到醫院時，見到爺爺呼吸短促又相隔很長的情形，我相信他在的時間真的不久了。但眾人都很想他多支撐一會，便不斷跟他說話來刺激他生存意志。到晚上十一時多，護士到來幫他量血壓，但他的血壓已經低到不能再量度，我們全個家族便把握最後機會跟爺爺說最後的說話。終於，於二零零六年二月十八日十一時三十分，爺爺便安息主懷。他離世那一刻很像一個小孩毫無憂慮地入睡，我深知道主真的接了他回天家了。

他去世時我哭得很厲害，但這是喜樂的眼淚，因為今次屬靈的戰爭我們贏了！感謝主！祂行事真是不可測度！這次經歷使我再次體驗到祈禱的力量，及向家人傳福音的迫切性。其實我一直掛念家人的屬靈景況，但我卻從來沒有勇氣向他們傳福音。今次的經歷可以說是一個好開始。弟兄姊妹，若然你家裡有人未信主，就快快為他們禱告，及把握機會向他們傳福音吧！因為拯救失喪的靈魂是不能等的！

最後，我很感謝所有幫助過我們及為我們禱告的肢體及朋友，無論是在溫哥華或是在卡城的；願主賜福你們。

心力交瘁

After going through all the things this past week and a bit, I can totally grasp the meaning of心力交瘁 (physically and mentally spent). Too many things (and big things too) have happened, and too many things I need to deal with. I was preparing to record an audition and then a performance afterwards, and I was packing for move-out. It has already been quite a busy period of time for me … But unexpectedly, I had to travel twice to Calgary for family matters in the midst of these events. You know when sudden things happen like this, I have to rearrange many things. Well, I guess if I decided not to care about them, I would be more care free; but I am normally a responsible person, so if I don’t take care of those matters, I would actually feel guilty. And I would rather be stressful than be guilty.

The most pathetic thing is, there are little things that keep my responsibilities from being fulfilled. That makes me even more frustrated. You know, those things don’t necessary have to happen. But I guess if I could handle my responsibilities a little better and didn’t make any mistake at all (like not even a hint), then none of these would happen.

Rather than being frustrated over these little flaws though, I think I really should just rely on God’s grace to finish my responsibilities. None of us is flawless and we always make mistakes. Not that we shouldn’t correct them, but we shouldn’t be obsessed with them. It’s okay to be a perfectionist. We just need to move on from our wrongs and do better next time. However, if we are all perfect, then we don’t have room for God, which is the saddest thing in life! I’d much rather have God than myself!

Before I wrote this entry, I was so tired that I wish I would just have a week off now and be away from Vancouver/Calgary (since if I stay in either of those places I would be very busy with all sorts of things). Or I wish I would be sick right now so I’m forced to take days off (but sadly I don’t think I could take much rest because of my schedule and my personality). But after some writing, I feel much better. Thanks, Lord Jesus, for Your comfort and strength.

New Year, New Challenge

First of all, welcome myself to the quarter-century club.

Year 2007 passed in a blink of an eye. I must say, too many things happened last year. Well, I say that every year, but I find that year 2007 was just so busy, yet so life-changing.

I decided to go back to school in September at the beginning of last year. I've always thought after my master's degree I'm going to quit school for a while to work, to first pay back my student loan, and to make a first step to my "real" adulthood. But I find that with my qualities at the moment, I probably won't find a job of my ideals, so I decided to get an upgrade.

I finished my master's degree at the end of April. Boy wasn't that hard to finish. I was truly happy that I finished my degree. Now I get back to school, though, my attitudes are different. Realizing the reality and where I am at, I cannot be so simple-minded anymore. I must say this term has drawn me into depression because of my perfectionism. But thank God I'm able to step out of this difficult situation and I shall approach my upgrade with a new and rejuvenescent attitude.

I became my fellowship's president in year 2007. I went through quite some struggles before I agreed to take this post. Humorously speaking, around 8 years ago, when I thought I was totally capable of being my fellowship's president, I didn't become one. Only when I completely forgot about the idea God made me one. God took 8 years to shape me, which is a long time in modern terms (but short comparing to Moses). Anyhow, I was thankful to have taken this post, for it pushed me to make good connections with brothers and sisters in Christ. Actually that was my only vision.

My church went through a lot of changes and restructuring in the past year. I'm happy to be part of it. Actually I became a member of VCAC in December. This is a new landmark of my ministries in VCAC.

I'm finally able to completely rely on God in my love issues. It's not so important to feel attached to a guy all the time; in fact, it's a huge relief that I can let it go and wait for God's preparation. And for that very reason, I reconciled with a good friend of mine who used to be my love rival. I also reconciled with another friend whom I had misunderstanding with for a long time. After these two incidents, I truly believe it is very important to maintain affability with your friends. You never know how much hurt it can do you if you don't maintain a good friendship with them.

I decided to move out in February. It's a rather spontaneous decision. I always plan things way ahead and stick with them. But I'm starting to feel lonely in my dorm, and am longing for family support, so I'm going to move to my church friend's house.

My grandma is having cancer. Kind of unbelievable. Anyhow, not a convenient location to share her condition. My only concern is that she is still a non-Christian.

Anyhow, in the new year, I would continue to study hard. My parents are going to support me financially unconditionally, so there is no excuse for me not to work hard. Besides, I hope to continue to pursue a life of holiness. I discover many of my friends in Christ, even myself, are going through many moments of weakness. If we don't hold on to God, we will fall hard, and it will cause us a lot of regret. So no matter what happens, don't lose faith in God!


挑戰
曲、詞：黃筠詠 (c) April 21, 2001



進退兩難 在困境中闖盪
滿是悲傷失望 黑暗之中徬徨
試問誰能知道我心裡的難過
惟主基督能洗去我臉上淚行
跌進困難 沒法清楚正路
不懂跟主腳步 只去偏走誤途
試問誰能清楚這問題的對錯
惟主基督無所不知 懂去解釋因果
此刻碰著我 是魔鬼的引誘
要佔據我的心 要令我不清楚



主 讓我屈膝禱告去傾訴哀怨
願你進我心扉去醫治痛苦傷口
奉獻一生作活祭 受帶領奔向光輝
願你的心意彰顯在我跟前

背棄我神 沒法謙卑順服
迷於今生驕傲 失去清高態度
盡全力去掩蓋我深重的罪過
但主基督永不容許誠實忠貞被攻破
痛快沉淪 代價必需背負
接受鞭打屈辱 奔走崎嶇窄路
我困倦 我傷透 疲乏缺力完全不可奮
求主賜我 屬天恩典 使我得氣力承擔這痛楚
此刻我面對與魔鬼的戰鬥
我決不會放低 對基督的信心

主 讓我勝過挑戰至不會死去
願你掌管一切 叫公義徹底彰顯
願再信靠愛慕你 永遠也不會捨棄
榮耀的冠冕 將要為我存留
由黑暗變白晝

在希望中心底必要充滿歡樂
在困苦危險中更加要忍耐
是你憐憫關心 愛眷無限的真
令我信念堅守不變
決意不會向魔鬼屈膝

願靠著主基督 來奔向永生去